The Office - finale

....

(After Michael has hit Meredith with his car)
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.

(After Michael has hit Meredith with his car)
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?

Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know. There's gambling and alcohol... And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be

Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.

Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight Schrute: ...No I said one of them is not a nickel-
Ryan: But the other one is, I've heard that before.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. A man and a son get into a car accident, they're rushed to the hospital. Doctor says, 'there's no way I can operate on this boy--
Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight Schrute: DAMMIT!

Michael Scott: So what we do, is we drive all day, and we stay in a hotel together at night.
Pam Beesly: Separate rooms.
Michael Scott: Well that goes without saying.
Pam Beesly: I'm gonna say it anyway.

Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Phyllis: I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.

Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.

Phyllis:	Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin:	Kevin Malone.
Bob:	Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley:	Stanley Hudson.
Bob:	Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan:	Ryan Howard.
Bob:	Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
	[pause]
Ryan:	What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael Scott:	[looks at Oscar, who is using his phone, and grabs it from him] Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?
Oscar:	It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.
Michael Scott:	Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
Ryan:	You don't have to keep saying "I do declare". Any time you say something it means you are declaring.
Michael Scott:	That is the way Southern people talk.
Jim Halpert:	And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?
Michael Scott:	Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?

Ryan:

If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

David Wallace:	Michael, David Wallance. What is this about dismissing the ad people?
Michael Scott:	Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
Ryan Howard:	I'm on, Michael.
Michael Scott:	What's up my brotha?